Are you there, menopause? It’s me, Monique. 


Before you all start jumping in my mentions on Twitter, sending me emails, or leaving comments on my personal website with your completely unsolicited advice (in another post, I will explain why y’all need to stop doing that under all circumstances), please know that I have been to the doctor plenty of times to address my period woes. 

As a teen, I was placed on birth control pills to regulate my periods. I don’t have fibroids. I just have a very angry uterus that tries to take me down each month. 

These days, my periods last four to five days. I bleed heavily, and I clot a lot. The cramps are uncomfortable — especially the dreaded “butt cramp” that I haven’t bothered Googling to find out what it is about, but I know other women experience it because we’ve exchanged stories on Twitter. 

I just had a birthday last week, and I can honestly say, I’m ready for my period to go the way of the Dodo. 

Being fatigued, cranky, sick to my stomach, crampy, and overall uncomfortable for five days every month is a drag, and I’m completely over it. 

In the same way I was wishing for my period to start, I am now wishing for menopause to start so I can be done with this shit. 

Are you there, menopause? It’s me, Monique.